Love you all, praying for you,
Let’s just take a couple days if we need to on this one. 11 Important Things in marriage.
What’s the most important thing in marriage? Sex, not even close. Shouldn’t commitment be first, because sex without commitment isn’t marriage. Without commitment sex is meaningless, not a marriage… that is true, but commitment without sex isn’t marriage either or even really commitment. What are you committed to? You aren’t committed to a marriage if you aren’t committed to sex. “Sex isn’t everything in marriage.” Yes it is. Spoken by someone who doesn’t have a sex life, or whose sex life needs work… Why is sex so important in marriage? If your sex life is good, it will lead to other things being good, it’s the oil in the engine – trying running one without it. It will break down, you’ll destroy the engine. There is one thing that God designed that He reserved for marriage alone. One thing. Sex. It’s the one thing He commanded – don’t have with anyone else except your spouse. Not before marriage, not after marriage. God designed sex within marriage, not just for procreation, but oneness, intimacy. And it’s more than just physical oneness, it’s spiritual oneness. It’s called consummating a marriage for a reason. And every time you have sex with your spouse, you are consummating, completing that marriage, that God put together. How often should you have sex? Daily at least... Would you ever go a day without talking to your spouse? Without listening to your spouse? Without checking on them to see if they are ok, how their day went? or helping them - if they need anything. Would you ever go a day without thinking about your husband or your wife? Then why would you go a day without sex with your spouse, without completing your marriage with your spouse? But that’s impossible. No it isn’t, if it’s a priority. (Certainly if you are apart because of business travel or military service etc… and God gives grace for that.) But that’s not what we’re talking about. We’re talking about most marriages where spouses generally live together and see each other every day, or the majority of the days. Well that doesn’t sound romantic. Who said sex is only for romance? Romance makes sex better, but God never said sex with romance is the consummation of a marriage. God’s Word said sexual intercourse – that physical and spiritual union, that which is reserved for you and your spouse only is what completes – or consummates a marriage. You should want your marriage complete every day. You might not have time for three hours of candles and rose petals, you’ve got diapers to change, and you work! But if you’re committed to a marriage that is a marriage of oneness, you’ll have sex daily at least. You’ll have sex for the benefit of your spouse, not yourself, and you’ll have sex whether you feel like it or not. You don’t always feel like it. What does that have to do with anything? But if you’d rather watch the game than have sex, you’re a sucky husband. I don’t want my daughters ever marrying someone like you. If you want to take a nap or read a book rather than have sex, you’re a crappy wife, I don’t want my son to ever marry someone like you. Do you think God wants for his children anyone like that? Sex is the most important thing in marriage, not even close. It’s the first thing you commit to when you get married. Not merely, not having sex with someone else other than you spouse, but having sex with your spouse. Sex isn’t even one of the five love languages, it encompasses all of it. It’s a completion, a privilege, an honor, and a commitment. What is commitment in marriage – that they are the only one you will have sex with for the rest of your life. And then that they are the one who is your priority of time, and attention, friendship, confidence, intimate conversation, love, care and affection – your priority. No one else gets these things other than them. Some say communication in marriage is as important as sex. No it’s not. If you have great communication but no sex, that’s a good friendship, not a marriage. If you have sex, but not great communication – your willingness to have sex increases the desire and probability of better communication. It doesn’t guarantee it, but it opens the door for it. If you’re not having sex, I guarantee, the communication in your marriage isn’t great. Some might say – we’re not communicating right now, so I’m not having sex with them. Sometimes that’s the first step of communication. It tells your spouse, we aren’t communicating great on everything right now, but I love you enough to show you. If your willing to have sex every day, you are more likely to be willing to work on your communication, unless you’re just selfish. And that never leads to good sex or good communication. Sex like communication - isn’t self-centered, it’s spouse-centered. The most important thing in marriage is the physical and spiritual oneness that God designed for a husband and wife exclusively. Praying that you will understand the importance of sex not for yourself, but for your marriage, and make it a priority. So God can grow your oneness. It’s what He created oneness for. It’s not just physical, it reflects the spiritual.
#2 – The second most important thing in marriage - Commitment. Keep your vows. Those who wonder if marriage is really worth it, soon consider whether they should stay or leave. Those who wonder if they should stay or leave will never have a good marriage, they will probably end in divorce, more than once… or their marriage will suck for years, the rest of their life… Don’t use the D word. Divorce is not for you. (We’re not talking about abusive relationships – they aren’t fulfilling their marriage vow, they are criminals, separate from anyone abusive. It won’t get better over time, it will get worse. That’s not what God has for you, to be in danger of physical harm from a spouse. Get to safety, then then get Godly counsel.) But in marriage, commitment is the second most important thing – both of you must be committed. You won’t always feel in love. Sometimes people think they are no longer in love, but just cause you don’t feel it one day, doesn’t mean you’re not in love. You are just focused on the wrong thing, what’s bad not what’s good, their weaknesses, not their strengths. And if you keep doing that - you can fall out of love… But what does that have to do with marriage? You could fall in and out on a daily basis depending on how you treat each other. That’s why marriage is a vow, not a feeling. A lifelong commitment, not a ‘we’ll see what happens.’ The more committed you are, the more willing you are to work on feelings. Feelings come from actions. Sometimes feelings come or go because of misunderstood actions, you can choose to take something the wrong way, or be upset about something they didn’t mean, or didn’t even realize they did. Or they just made a mistake, they were selfish, like you’ve never been… Commitment makes you quick to forgive, and willing to work on things to love your spouse better, and feelings will follow. The second most important thing in marriage – is commitment. Without it, it’s really not a marriage – its an experiment.
Listen again tomorrow, and we’ll continue 11 Important Things In Marriage.
Love you all,
Kelly Kamentz - Jesus follower, husband, father, and friend, helping others surrender time, thoughts, money, and testimony, to fulfill their purpose!