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PiVAT Resolution Tool
PiVAT Resolution Tool – to restore relationships
What is a PiVAT Resolution Tool? - A discipleship tool that helps you resolve conflict and restore relationships.
Are you currently in conflict with someone? Is there any relationship in your life that is strained or distanced due to an issue or issues which remain unresolved? Words or actions misunderstood, misinterpreted, resulting in offense? Do you have a strained relationship with anyone right now? Could it even be your spouse, a relative, parent, child or sibling, or former friend? Do you have an effective way to resolve it? God said, "As far as it depends on you, live at peace with all men." In relationships, just like everything in life, there is God’s way and man’s way. One area sure to challenge every person, even believers in Jesus, forgiven, with new life in Christ, is conflict. Living in a broken world, with broken people operating in a broken sinful nature; conflicts, disagreement, disappointments, hurt, and offenses are sure to come. When we are disappointed or offended, it builds a wall between people. Relationships can become strained and even remain unreconciled for years. Some people hold grudges for decades, or a lifetime! Many avoid that person altogether; close relatives don’t talk for months or longer. Marriages end in divorce because they never learn how to handle conflict in a Godly way according to His Word. They don’t understand how to resolve conflict with humility, truth, true repentance, forgiveness, and restoration which enables healing, and the broken relationship to be made whole – even better.
God wants relationships to be restored! He died for you so this would be possible. Why is conflict and conflict resolution such a tough battle for so many? Why are so few people skilled in it? Why does it seem so difficult to maintain healthy and growing relationships in which we treat each other with love and respect? Why is the status quo of relationships – strained ones, leading to separation of friends, families and marriages? First is our sin nature, which always prefers ourselves rather than our new nature in Christ which obeys God and prefers others. Second, humility is rare, and hard to walk in, unless you surrender to God’s Word and God’s will by the Holy Spirit. It is the foundation of every successful relationship. Third, most people are not good at listening. They want to be understood more than they want to understand the other person. Fourth, pride is the root of strained relationships. “They should apologize to me!” Which is exactly what they think you should do. No apology ever comes; both parties are still waiting on the other. If any “apology” does come, it’s usually just surface acknowledgement in an attempt to get an apology from the other, or merely ease the tension, not seek resolution and restoration. Fifth, it’s just awkward. You could ask someone to forgive you if you wronged them, but to approach someone who has offended you? It seems weak, vulnerable, un-masculine. If I was wronged, it’s difficult to address without losing face. What am I going to say? “You hurt my feelings.” What am I, four years old? Sometimes just a tool which redirects the focus from the conflict to a heathy process can help. Ultimately without humility, true repentance and forgiveness, conflict is temporarily “looked over,” yet unresolved feelings remain. That’s why healing cannot occur. Poor conflict resolution serves only to increase the arsenal of unresolved conflict, and each hurt is compounded on top of the former, to be piled onto the next offense when it surely comes. It’s how relationships remain toxic, end altogether, or never mend.
God’s way is better! His Word tells us how to treat each other and how to respond to each other. Please review the PRISM Topic: Kindness, and the Relationship Topics: How to Treat Others, along with Forgiveness and Restoration, foundational truths for strong relationships. For me personally, especially in marriage, it became obvious after many years that the skill of conflict resolution was absent from our relationship. We loved each other, but never truly resolved conflict so the relationship could be restored. Instead, we just kicked the can down the road. We didn’t talk through the disagreement; we just ignored it. We avoided the conflict rather than resolve it. Unavoidably, that snowball of unresolved conflict kept growing until it crushed every next argument, blowing it out of proportion because of the added baggage which had nothing to do with the present situation. We couldn’t have any disagreement which didn’t include all of the bitter feelings of previously unforgiven, unresolved offenses, adding to the offense of this one.
Several years ago, God gave me a tool called The PiVAT Decision Tool. It revealed a better way of making decisions. Not only to discern God’s will in this situation or decision, but it revealed the importance of how we arrive at that decision. Teaching a way that honored God, respected others, and followed God’s Word and wisdom in the decision-making process. We now use it all the time! I asked God if there might be a tool similar to the PiVAT Decision Tool, which I could use to resolve conflict God’s way. Praying that God would reveal it to me, I started writing a one-page PiVAT Resolution Tool, that used some of the same truths that God had revealed from His decision-making process.
This PiVAT Resolution Tool has helped us resolve conflict in a new way that results in true listening and understanding, true repentance and forgiveness, and a healed relationship. Not just avoiding the conflict, or sweeping it under the rug, but resolving it. The process gives insight as to why the conflict arose, how to seek forgiveness and begin the restoration process. It helps us discover what we can do in the future to avoid conditions that breed conflict, and instead create an environment that promotes agreement, love, and preference of the other. The PiVAT Resolution Tool can be used by any two parties equally committed to resolving a conflict, mending and growing relationships. If one person wants to, and the other doesn’t, it is unlikely to resolve the conflict, but it will still help you. The tool is not magic, it just leads you to self-reflection, seeking God, and deep listening to the thoughts, perceptions, and feelings of the other, so true understanding takes place.
You probably shouldn’t approach everyone in your life history who has hurt you. Sometimes people who have harmed you whether intentionally or unintentionally, are not interested in mending the relationship, nor walking with you in healthy relationship habits. There are people you should not be in relationship with. God hasn’t called you to everyone. God may want you to forgive them just for your own healing, not for them, and move on. Let God heal the wounds they’ve caused, look to Him, move past the hurt, and move on from relationships that God doesn’t have for you. Digging up old wounds with people who will never or should never again be a part of your life is unwise and will not bring the result you want. Only seek resolution with people God directs you to. You must seek God to understand this. Some relationships are broken for a reason; God does not want you to have any interaction with them. He still loves them, leave them to God, you just move forward in the love, forgiveness, blessing and the hope of Jesus. Walk in the Word, walk in the Spirit, and cultivate relationships with believers in Christ who are humble, loving, Christ-followers. Build relationships that demonstrate to the world what the love of Jesus looks like. God said, that’s how they will know you are believers. Not by the T-shirt you wear, but by the relationships you cultivate and demonstrate. They’ll know you believe in Jesus by how you love one another.
Praying that this PiVAT Resolution Tool will help you follow God’s way of relationship building, conflict resolution, and true love of one another. Resulting in healing, complete restoration and fruitful relationships. Wholeness – nothing broken, nothing missing. All glory to God, the Healer!
HOW TO FILL OUT the PiVAT Resolution Tool. God’s way and man’s way applies to everything. Ephesians 4:3 – Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.
DATE: Today’s Date
STATE THE ISSUE: Specifically state the issue, problem or disagreement in one sentence. Do not use the word “You.” Rather use the words, “It appeared to me that…” or “It seemed like.” Don’t get into all your thoughts or feelings. Just state the conflict or the issue that has strained the relationship.
DELAYED RESOLUTION: What is the cost of not resolving? What will happen if this remains unresolved? What could the lingering effects be or develop into?
BACKGROUND: What happened as I perceive it? Just the facts of the conflict, what transpired that led to misunderstanding or offense. (Once again, do not use the word ‘you.’)
THOUGHTS: What did you think when this happened? These are separate from feelings. What did you think? Whether how you perceived what they said or did, or what you thought when those actions occurred.
FEELINGS: How did it make you feel? What emotions arose as a result of your interpretation of their words, or your perception of their actions. What did you feel about what they said or did, or what happened?
GOD’s WORD: What does God’s Word say about this? Ask God to reveal any Scripture that could apply in this situation, to your part of their part. Any truth from His Word which may apply.
DEEPER ISSUES – Is there a bigger Issue tied to this? Sometimes an offense, slight, or mistreatment is exacerbated by a broader issue. This is just a microcosm of something bigger, that generates thoughts or feelings about something else they once said or did, or even something that someone else may have said or did in the past, that you associate with them or this conflict.
DID YOU BELIEVE THE BEST? Did you go to the Person First, or tell someone else first? Forgiveness Needed? Make it right with everyone. When this happened, did you assume they were guilty of doing that to you? Or did you assume they didn’t say that, or didn’t mean that? Did you assume they acted with mal-intent, or that it was just an innocent mistake, which just came out wrong or didn’t sound right. Did you go directly to the person with whom you had conflict, or did you talk with others about it. What forgiveness is needed from whom to whom? Is there any additional person affected, what might be needed to make things right with them?
SEQUENCE: First Things First. First deal with the offense, then deal with the way it was addressed. Resolve the conflict of the words or action, then resolve the conflict of the reaction, or the way it was communicated. “I shouldn’t have done that, but you shouldn’t have spoken to me about it in that way.” True, but first address the original act, word, or behavior that should have not occurred. Then you can address any poor communication which transpired in reaction to the offense. “You ate the cookie out of my lunchbox! Yes, I cussed you out, but…” Deal with the cookie first, then the cussing problem.”
SIN INVOLVED: Was any sin committed? What does God’s Word say regarding this? Was any sin committed by either party? What does God’s Word say about that sin?
CONFESSION NEEDED: From whom, to whom, for what? First address the log, then the speck. God’s Word says, don’t try to take the speck out of your brother’s eye, when you have a log in your own. First take the log out of your own eye, they you will be able to see clearly to help them take the speck out of theirs. Given what happened, what confession, apology and request for forgiveness is needed from whom to whom? Specifically, for what?
WORDING: I forgive you. That means, “I give up my right to hold it against you.” When confessing and granting forgiveness always say, “Would you please forgive me for… xyz.” Be sure to state specifically what you did, admit it was wrong, and again say, “Would you please forgive me for…xyz.” When responding, specifically state what you are forgiving them for. No need to say that it was wrong, they already admitted it! And don’t give backhanded forgiveness. “I forgive you for stealing my cookie and making me cuss at you.” No. No one makes you cuss at them; you chose to. Don’t conflate or combine issues. Confess, Request and forgive the specific thing, not compound things. See the Relationship Topic – Forgiveness & Restoration. That process is separate from the PiVAT Resolution Tool. This tool just help you get there, so you can follow God’s way of seeking and granting forgiveness.
RESTORATION REQUIRED: From whom, To whom. Steps Required; Actions Needed. Confession can be offered and forgiveness sought can be granted. Yet restoration may require further action. Identify from whom to whom. It may require the offender to buy the wronged person another cookie to replace what they stole. Or four cookies to make up for the evil intent of theft. Zacchaeus said, “Right now I give half my possessions to the poor, and if I have stolen anything from anybody, I will pay back four times what I stole. Jesus’ immediate response, “Today, Salvation has come to this house.” It wasn’t the prayer Zacchaeus said, it was the action he took that made things right. That’s restoration. Doing what you can to make up for what you did. So the person wronged has no doubt of the sincerity of the one seeking forgiveness.
DO BETTER: What could we do better next time? Rarely in any conflict is one person completely innocent, and the other completely at fault. Occasionally this is the case, but more often than not, both parties could do things differently to prevent any misunderstanding or avoid any conflict. You could have asked for the cookie, or bought it from them, or traded them something for it. If you had two cookies, you could have shared one with them. Often there is something you could do that would have made the offense less likely to occur. What could you do to bless people, not merely to avoid conflict, just to love well. Don’t get confused, malicious actions shouldn’t be excused or placated. Thou shalt not steal. Period. You don’t have to do something nice for someone, so they don’t steal from you, or placate them so they don’t mistreat you. That’s on them, not you. But in other situations, actions whether preceding or after the fact, could enable stronger relationships, even anticipated opportunity to demonstrate kindness.
ANYTHING ELSE BETWEEN US? That needs to be addressed. (Separate PiVAT Resolution Tool?) Is there any other larger issue, or former baggage that needs to be discussed? Any old unresolved issues between us that have been unaddressed and need to be forgiven; so trust can be restored and the relationship strengthened?
Recently, I had taken offense at something April did. We were hosting a large number of overnight guests, and she was working hard at preparing food for them. I came into the kitchen and started doing things to help, which apparently was of no help. Her words of dismissal offended me. More accurately, I let her words offend me, instead of giving her the benefit of the doubt, believing the best, and desiring to truly help her in the way that she needed, rather than the way I preferred, believing it was helpful. Walking through the PiVAT Resolution Tool helped me understand my own feelings and gave me a vehicle to share my "offense taken" in an objective way that we both could look at together, rather than just accuse her of the bad things I felt she did. She listened to me share my thoughts entirely - following the PiVAT Resolution Tool, without interrupting me, and then did something unexpected. She one by one, mentioning each item I raised, admitted that she should have handled it differently, apologized for what she did, why it was wrong, and asked me to forgive her. It so disarmed me, I didn’t know what to do, or what to say. Our history of arguments always had been the offender defending themselves, or the offended reiterating their offense, and a greater fight would ensue from the apology conversation than even the original conflict. But that didn’t happen. I felt completely heard. She didn’t interrupt me or become defensive. She humbled herself and genuinely sought forgiveness, which of course I had no choice but to grant her, and yet I was still bothered. Where was the additional fight that always occurred at this point? And it couldn’t have been all her fault. What was I missing? I had to ask her, “So what do you really think? What do you really want to say? I know I’m not entirely without fault.” And her answer? “It doesn’t matter. I’m responsible for my part.” Which led me to apologize for my response, and my lack of "believing the best," but she didn’t require it. Her humility and true apology, the admission of her part, and sincere request for forgiveness completely lifted the burden of the offense I had felt. The restoration process had already begun.
When you offend someone and are approached, be humble, do not defend yourself. Let them share their entire PiVAT Resolution Tool with you. Don’t interrupt them, even when they get a fact wrong or misread your intent. Hear them out fully and take responsibility for your part. Their reaction is immaterial. Address the offense you caused and make things right. Unrepentant people consider reactions more egregious than the offense they committed. If they do, just make peace and move on. There is nothing righteous about continuing relationships with manipulators. Resolution doesn’t require full concurrence of opinion. Don’t take offense at opinion, they have a right to it. If they are offended by your opinion rather than your words or actions, identify the difference, respect theirs, and seek forgiveness not for your opinion but for any actions which wronged them. Pursue friendships with believers in Jesus who love one another from the heart. If you’ve caused offense, seek forgiveness and restoration. Love well which demonstrates the love of Christ.
Praying that the PIVAT Resolution Tool will grow your skills of conflict resolution, and healthy relationships. Conflict resolution demonstrates the love of Jesus, which reveals we belong to him. The PiVAT Resolution Tool isn’t a magic button. Filled in boxes do not mean the heart of the offender is sincere or the offended person has truly forgiven from the heart. But it will help you discover your own heart, and the heart of the other person. It will enable resolution and true healing if you are humble, willing to listen, willing to seek and grant forgiveness. The more you grow like Jesus and walk in the Spirit the less this tool is needed. See PRISM Topics: How to Treat Others, Forgiveness & Restoration, and Kindness. Praying you will grow in the Word of God, and the fruit of the Spirit, so you love one another deeply.
RELATIONSHIP TOPIC - Forgiveness and Restoration
In life, people will wrong you, and you will likely wrong others. It strains relationships. You can either make things right, or leave them unaddressed and unresolved. Things are different between those in the world, and those who know Christ, who are commanded to love one another as an example to the world. When wrongs occur, it's important to try to make things right. God says, "As much as it depends on you, live at peace with all men." Unforgiveness can result in grudges and broken relationships, it could even end in bitterness and defilement. Hebrews 12:14-15 - Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; for without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. The world's way is to apologize if you have to. God's way is true forgiveness and restoration. (See the PiVAT Resolution Tool)
In strained relationships, there can be no true restoration without forgiveness; there can be no forgiveness without confession; and there can be no confession without repentance. We must forgive those who wrong us, so a root of bitterness doesn’t grow up, but that won’t restore a relationship. Restoration is a two-way street, and it starts with repentance.
Repent:
To feel pain, sorrow, or regret for what one has done or neglected to do; but also - a turning, and a turning from that motive and behavior that wronged someone. Repent: To change your course of conduct on account of your regret. To be sorry for a sin, to seek forgiveness, and then cease to practice it.
Confess:
To verbally acknowledge a fault, crime, or misdeed (to someone). To own or admit as true, to assent to; to acknowledge, as after a previous doubt, denial, or concealment. Assent: to admit a thing as true.
Seek Forgiveness:
Seeking Forgiveness fully confesses and admits your guilt, and asks the offended to not hold your sin against you, so that your relationship can be restored.
Rather than a defense of one’s actions, seeking forgiveness addresses the issue, and the relationship.
1) Seeking Forgiveness confesses and admits both the offense committed, and the wicked motive of the heart that produced it.
2) Seeking Forgiveness communicates the repentance of your heart, the commitment to change the course of conduct which resulted in the offense, and the willingness to make amends, ("to give back or replace what was stolen").
3) Seeking Forgiveness Humbly Requests that the offended not hold the offense against you.
To Forgive means:
To willingly give up your right to hold something against someone.
To cease to feel resentment against, on account of a wrong committed.
To pardon, to overlook an offense, to treat the offender as not guilty.
Restoration:
Restore: To bring back to its former state. To bring back from a state of ruin, to give back, make return or restitution of anything taken away or lost. Restoration: The act of restoring or bringing back to a former place, station, or condition; the fact of being restored; renewal; re-establishment; as the restoration of friendship between enemies, the restoration of peace after war.
An apology is different. An apology is…
A) Something said or written in defense or justification of what appears to others to be wrong. Or,
B) an acknowledgement intended as atonement for some improper act.
To apologize: (make an apology)
A) To make a defense or excuse, (from which we get the word “Apologetics”), or
B) To make acknowledgement of some fault or offense, with expression of regret for it by way of amends.
Mere Apology versus Seeking Forgiveness and Restoration:
Wording is important! Not just saying “I’m sorry.” You might be sorry you got caught, you might be sorry they got offended, but not sorry for the sin you committed. You might be sorry they feel differently than you do regarding this issue or situation. Not “I apologize.” You could just be making defense of your action, or just seeking absolution.
“Would you please forgive me for stealing your sandwich. It was selfish, it was wrong. I wish I hadn't done it, would you please forgive me?"
An apology may be accepted or rejected.
Technically, an accepted apology is an acknowledgement of the statement of the offender.
A mere apology without seeking forgiveness; is still an unresolved conflict.
The momentary tension may pass, but the unresolved feelings or issues may continue bubbling beneath the surface to re-surface at a later date. A mere apology is postponed or delayed resolution (a squandered opportunity to make things right between you and another person. A mere apology undermines and prevents complete restoration. "No problem” is not the same as "I forgive you."
Seeking Forgiveness
Wording is important. “Will You Please Forgive Me For:"
1) State the offense specifically
2) Admit the wicked motive that produced the offense
3) Regret - Express the regret that repentance requires
4) Commit - Express the commitment to change: your sinful motive, and the course of conduct that resulted in the offense (producing the fruit of repentance).
Example: "Will you please forgive me for taking your sandwich from the refrigerator? I saw your name on it – but I was hungry and took it anyway. I guess that makes it stealing. Will you please forgive me for stealing from you?"
Notice this fully admits not just the wrong action, but the true sin the offense represents. Sincerely seeking forgiveness means you don’t defend your actions, but instead, you fully admit and take ownership of them. Hunger is irrelevant. Being hungry doesn’t give you the right to steal their sandwich. Then restitution may be in order. “I will buy you a new sandwich for tomorrow, and a Coke to go with it, I want to make this right.”
Forgiveness Granted
Wording is important. Don't say, 'No problem,' or 'No big deal.' It is a big deal! Don't just say, it's ok, or we're good, specifically grant them forgiveness. “I forgive you.” Forgiveness granted is the complete closure of the apology – it's the remaining half of the equation. It means the offended relinquishes their right to continue to hold the offense against the offender. Then restoration of the relationship can begin.
"Johnny, I forgive you for taking my sandwich."
Don't say, "I understand you were hungry," that's immaterial. Don't excuse their boorish behavior, there's no excuse! But don't brow beat them either. "I forgive you for stealing my sandwich, for thinking you're better than everyone, for your utter rudeness, and the complete ugliness on the inside of your evil heart." That is not granting forgiveness, it's accusation, false, and only proves you didn't really forgive them from the heart.
Instead, you might just say. "I forgive you for taking my sandwich." Thank you for being humble and making up for it, I'm certainly not perfect myself. I appreciate the sandwich and coke for tomorrow. We're good, I don't hold anything against you. Thanks for making up for it. We're totally good." Sometimes just, "I forgive you, we're good," is good enough, but let them know you forgive them. It's how forgiveness happens, and restoration begins.
The Big Test: Forgiveness is one of the big tests in life. You will wrong someone eventually. Will you humble yourself and seek their forgiveness? Will you make amends for what you did wrong? You will certainly be wronged by someone eventually. Will you forgive them from your heart, and decline the right to hold anything against them? God clearly said, Matthew 6:14-15 "If you forgive your brother when he sins against you, your Father in heaven will forgive you. But if you do not forgive your brother when he sins against you, neither will your Father in heaven forgive you."
What Does God Do?
I John 1:9 - If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
Psalms 103:12 - As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
Isaiah 43:25 - I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more. I, yes, I alone, will blot out your sins for my own sake and will never think of them again (NLT)
Micah 7:19-20 - Who is a God like you, who pardons our sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; and will tread our sins underfoot and cast all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.
Hebrews 8:12 - For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.
What is a PRISM Topic? The power of God’s Word on a single subject.
What is a Relationship Topic? A perspective from God’s Word on relationships.
What is a PRISM Topic Packet? A grouping of related PRISM and Relationship Topics.
These are part of the M: Meditate on the Word of PRISM – (Five things you can do in God’s Word every day).
Ask God what ‘PRISM Topic’ He wants you to meditate on today, and take it with you! It will help you transform your mind with his Word. (Romans 12:2) hearwelldone.org/topics
See PRISM Topic - Kindness